Updated: Dec 6, 2019
I see you and I honor you. Trust me when I say I have been there. You see these pictures? This is me in 2012 and then again in 2015/2016. Both times I was experiencing serious turmoil within. Both times, I chose to act happy and not tell anyone. Both times I was so unhappy with myself and my life, and felt like things were just getting worse and worse. It felt like I was in a downward spiral that I never was going to get out of.
Writing this article is very interesting. I think back to two of the hardest times in my life and try to put myself back there. What was I feeling? Why did I keep going on, pretending I was fine? What was I not facing? I can vividly feel such a difference between both young women in those pictures. They are ghosts of my past. The old versions of myself that showed up for sometime, so I could learn and grown. At the time, it felt like torture. I felt so lost and insecure. Now, I look back in gratitude knowing that those two beautiful versions of myself taught me so much.
2012 was the first time I experienced heartbreak. Not only once, but twice in two short months. I am the type of gal that is all in or all out with everything I do. Can you relate? I love with everything I have and then some. Which unfortunately can make any type of heartbreak nearly unbearable. My boyfriend and I had broken up. Which at the time you might have said, “young love, you are only fifteen, get over it.” However, as an empathic teenager, I could feel our connection. I knew it was stronger than that. In fact, I had never loved someone so much. It felt like my safety was being ripped away. And then, two short months later, I tore my ACL. This was my first knee surgery…little did I know what the next three years would entail! (three more knee surgeries). That summer of 2012, I had plans to attend a West Virginia Soccer Camp that I was invited to. I was also planning on going out to Syracuse. Too bad, this changed all my plans.
At the time, I felt like NOTHING could get better. It felt like everything I cared about was being ripped away and honestly it sucked. I look at this picture and I feel bad for that young girl. She was so entangled in her own emotions, yet was trying to make everyone else happy. During this time, I also lost like 15 pounds. Can you tell how skinny I was in this picture? My average weight has always been around 130 pounds, which is about average for girls my height. At this point, I was down to 115 pounds. It was so bad, my doctor asked me if I had an eating disorder! I didn’t. At least I don’t think I did. I really don’t remember. I love food too much so I don’t think I did, however, I was so freaking stressed and so miserable, that weight was just falling off me.
At this point, I had so much anxiety, I stayed up for hours. I laid in bed so sad and so defeated. High school apparently really can be tough. I wasn’t me. Looking back, I sometimes still am disappointed in that version of myself. I did things for attention. I just wanted to feel safe again. I wanted my life to go back to how it once was. Unfortunately, in life, that usually doesn’t happen. I was hurt by two people I had trusted more than anyone and that really SUCKED. I was naïve and I thought everyone had the same intentions that I had. I didn’t know best friends could actually lie straight to your face, blaming everything on you, when really they were the ones who were wrong. Writing this now, still makes that version of me sad and my heart heavy.
Its funny how certain events really impact the rest of our lives…even when we say we are “fine”. So much healing has come from that time in my life.
If you ask me how I got through that crazy year, I really couldn’t tell you. I just did. I went through the motions, until I got through it. Eventually my boyfriend and I got back together. We have now have been together for nearly nine years. (I knew there was more to it than just “young love”. Bless his soul.)
Unfortunately, one of my first loves in life, soccer, just didn’t want to work out for me.
Flash-forward to the second photo, about four years later. I had been endlessly working towards my dreams of playing soccer at a high level in college. However, with each knee surgery, it was like another stab in the heart. Slowly, I was losing the love I once had. I was afraid to get hurt again. I was just tired. However, I kept pushing through because I once had this dream. I had this dream, along with my coaches, my family and my friends. So many people were behind this, that I felt like I had to do it.
Have you ever gone through a time in your life, where you didn’t want to do something, but you knew it would make everyone else happy? You would rather be miserable than disappoint everyone else? That was me!
So, when I was told I couldn’t play soccer anymore, it was a relief. It was a relief, a blessing from my angels, yet at the same time, it sucked. I was lost. I again felt so defeated, my heart hurt and my stomach was a mess. This time, I ate. I ate and ate and ate. I ate like I was still burning a ridiculous amount of calories each night at practice or training. I don’t really think I was aware of it at the time, but I was definitely eating my emotions.
It was hard, because most people didn’t understand why I was so upset. “You have an amazing life. You are smart, you are pretty AND you have a boyfriend.” I so often heard this sentence. I know these people were just trying to help me, however, it really just pissed me off. The one thing I cared about and worked hard towards my ENTIRE life didn’t work out and I was angry. Instead of dealing with it, I just lived aimlessly for awhile. I didn’t know who I was and I really didn’t know what I wanted.
I found myself at a college that I really didn’t want to be at. I was lost. I was overeating. I was just going through the motions. Looking back now, I remember how heavy my heart felt. My vision was constantly foggy. I couldn’t seem to find my own path. I was searching in all of the wrong places, trying to fit in with the crowd. I was placing myself in a tiny mold that was uncomfortable as hell, yet I didn’t know what else to do. I just did.
At this point in my life, I also gained like thirty pounds. Now a lot of you who look at that picture, won’t think much of it, but to me, it was my biggest insecurity. I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin. I remember thinking, “this isn’t me. This isn’t what my life is supposed to look like.”
During both of these times, I do remember praying like crazy. I have always had a strong connection to God or the higher powers, so I didn’t lose total hope. I really feel that this connection is what helped me through. To this day, prayer and meditation is what keeps me on track and aligned to my truth.
Then, one day, it was as if an angel came down from heaven and shook me until I finally snapped out of it (my prayers were being answered). Taking a trip to Boston, changed everything for me. I decided that this was where I needed to be and it lit something within my soul. I really can’t explain; I just know that is what happened.
Sometimes getting away for a few days is all you really need to wake up.
Going through the motions was no longer okay. I finally hit a point where I asked myself, “is this really who I want to be?” Of course, my answer was “HELL NO”. So, I did what I felt called to do. One of these callings was to transfer to Boston University and another was to find a new book to read. I worked on the transferring process and in the meantime, I went to a bookstore and went straight to the self-help section. A book literally fell of the shelf. It was crazy. It really doesn’t surprise me now, as I am into all of this spiritual stuff, however at the time I was blown away. This book was written by Sylvia Browne. She was a world renown Psychic and Spiritual Teacher. My mom and grandfather always read her books. I had even gone through a few of my mothers in the past, so I decided to buy it. This book was a sign from heaven. This book literally changed my life, just when I really needed it most. This book woke me the f*** up!
I started meditating. I began to learn about myself and my mission on earth. I began to trust myself and what my soul was desiring. I finally began to heal from all of the pain that I, for so long shoved deep within. As I started to heal, my life began to amaze me. I was feeling happier. I was getting back to a healthy weight. I was finally feeling energized again. Opportunities began to align. Life finally was flowing again.
As I look back now, I have some messages for these old versions of myself. I hope these messages will also help you:
1. When one door closes, two more open.
2. Things might be hard now, but I can promise you, they WILL get better. Grieve and work out your emotions, but then you must get up and get going again. The longer you wallow in sadness, the harder it will be to get out of it.
3. Talk to someone about your feelings. Maybe go see a therapist, find a coach, or talk to someone that you can trust.
4. Your life doesn’t suck. Maybe your situation does, but that doesn’t define you. Just the fact that you are living and breathing is AMAZING. So many people would die to have your life. Always remember that.
5. Check in with yourself DAILY. Pay attention to your emotions now, rather than later. Don’t be like me, and push everything down and act okay. It will hit you a few years later, when something small triggers all of these old emotions. It is better for your life and health to just deal with in now. I know it is hard, but it is worth it.
6. You are beautiful. You are AMAZING. Never let a situation, person or looks define your self-worth. You are a beautiful masterpiece and that is how you should see yourself. Your soul and God worked together to create you so long ago. That is special. You are special. Anyone who can’t see that, doesn’t deserve to be in your life.
7. Sometimes YOU are the only one preventing yourself from living a happy life. Sometimes YOU are your own worst enemy.
8. Everything happens for a reason and that reason is FOR YOU! You’ve got this.
Through my struggles, I have learned so much. Although, there were many times when I really didn’t want to face the truth, I eventually had to. Avoidance will get us absolutely nowhere. As soon as I realized that, things began to change. As soon as I finally said, “enough is enough, this isn’t the life I want to live”, things began to change.
Everything you are going through right now has been placed in your path for a very specific reason. This reason is to help your soul grow. You are meant to take these lessons and help others. All of this is making you stronger and leading you to your destiny of complete BLISS. It will all be worth it.
I can promise you one thing, you will get through this. Although our stories may not be the same, I have learned that we usually can all relate of our own experiences in some way. Things will get better, in fact, they already are. The fact that you are reading this article is proving to you, that things are getting better.
If only you knew how many beautiful beings were working in your favor right now. Everything that you have been praying for, is coming so soon. Please don’t give up now. Life is just getting started!
All my love,